Burn the list.

I have a continual list of things that need doing in my mind. It includes things like doing the dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, etc., but it also includes things that have been on there for years, like write novel, lose weight and buy new clothes... I've found, however, that this is absolutely crippling. What a way to feel like you've gotten nothing done. Like, ever.

My current process

As you may have noticed in a previous blog, I said today I would get up at 5:45. However, I didn't get the sunroom cleaned up, I didn't get to bed on time, and while I tried to make my oats the night before, I literally melted the copper bottom off the pot I was boiling water in. Helps if you actually remember what you are doing when doing it, I suppose. Live and learn, amirite?

Having a list makes you focus on the things that you didn't do, rather than the things that you did do, unfortunately. I have become so wholly overwhelmed by the 40 things still remaining, rather than congratulating myself on the fact that I got out of my own head long enough to change the cat litter. Trust me, that one thing is more important than 95% of the other stuff on there (especially to the cats), and yet that one tick mark gets lost among the 'pay credit card bill' and 'fold laundry' that regularly take up space.

I have been a lister my whole life. I make lists for Steve, for my dog, for my job and for my studies (both formal and informal). Is it ironic that I just made a list of lists? (Answer: no. Go back to school!) But I'm starting to think I should burn the lists and start from scratch. Don't add the crap that doesn't matter, and litter it with things like 'drink tea' and 'have a kitty cuddle session'. 'Take dog for walk' and 'scratch nose'. 'Have bubble bath' and 'wear pajamas'.

I've done this. Because I am a fucking genius.

I won't even go into how much the idea of burning my ongoing to-do list terrifies the shit out of me. It's like cutting off the chain to the anchor and dropping it. It's like ripping the wings off a dragonfly and then throwing it off a 20-story building. My lists are like programming and my brain doesn't know what to do without them...

So I'm going to do a meditation tonight. I am going to spend 20 minutes imagining what it would be like to simply go through life taking care of what presents itself, and not worrying about the 'shoulds'. I will force myself to face that lightning bolt of dread that courses through my chest and settles in my stomach. I will review it, roll it around in my hands, look at it from all angles. What's the best outcome? What's the worst outcome? What's the likeliest outcome?

Then I will take a deep breath in, until it's this side of painful, and then take a little more. I will hold that breath, infusing it with my fears, until my scalp tingles. I will hold it, until I can feel it spreading into my bronchial tubes, overcoming and absorbing the stale air that's filled with chaos and angst and rage. Then I will release, slowly, and feel myself deflate. Feel my muscles release. Feel my heart find level ground. Feel my head's thrum lessen and a lightness come into me. Then I will do it again. And again. Until the bitch in my head shuts up and the little girl can get a word in edgewise.

I hope I will find freedom in releasing my shoulds. I suspect that 99% of what's on that list is shit that doesn't even matter in a small scheme of things, let alone a big one. Then I may start a new one. I will include things like 'hug Steve' and 'take a nap'. I will focus on what's in front of me, not what is behind me. I will not give face time to things that don't matter, that won't either a) bring me happiness or b) bring me peace.

Wish me luck. If I come in tomorrow looking like Doc Brown, you'll know why.