I burnt the list.

So, it's been awhile, huh? Remember when I said I was going to burn the list last Monday? Well, I did it, and it was amazingly liberating... then the next morning I promptly tumbled ass-over-tea-kettle down the stairs. Then the dogs had a battle. Then things got REALLY sore about Wednesday. So yeah, kinda been dealing with that. Why am I telling you all this? You don't care. Am I justifying why I didn't post in the last week? Pffft, meh. PPbbbbtttt. Other noises...

That noise isn't coming from the front end...

OK, so let's get back to the list burning. It was actually incredible. I began by meditating, and seeing how things occurred in my head when I didn't have a set list of 'shoulds' weighing me down. Know what? My energy returned! I felt like a world was taken off my shoulders. I didn't realize how much obligation, even the idea of it, drained me. I also had an easier time thinking, I slept like a log, and I didn't have that sick burning-pit-of-the-stomach feeling at the thought of going outside.  Before, I felt like everyone knew how much of a failure I was in my own mind, like they could SEE it on me as soon as I was out the door, and then would tell others about it.

It's weird how anxiety makes you become totally self-obsessed, when all you truly want is to be ignored. No one gives a shit what I did and didn't do, all that is in my head. I know this. I post bullshit pics of "don't care what others think" memes on my FB wall all the time. I tell others how awesome they are, because I worry they go through the same bullshit self-defeating attitude I do and need a boost. I know that what that girl behind me on the bus is laughing about has nothing to do with me. But as soon as I hear it, my first thought is "OMG, what did I do? Is my underwear showing? Do I look fat? Do I have a bogie in my nose? A zit? WHAT?" The obsession spirals until I am so sweaty and uncomfortable that I just want to go home and cry. Meanwhile, the girls were probably giggling at a cat picture.

This is my secret identity... crap, I wasn't supposed to say that, was I?

But in this meditation, I could see myself reacting to what's in front of me, rather than being lost in a forest of obligations. I dropped things that had been on there for YEARS. I got motivation to do things I hadn't done in months, like clean. Like play with the dogs. Like read something other than garbage romance novels...

 Damn you Book Bub!

So what did I do with all this new motivation? I got knocked over by a dog doing the pee-pee dance, and ping-pong'd my way down the stairs. Finnick didn't even care... he still had to pee. He just looked at me like 'WTF you doing down there... I GOTS TA GO!'

Journal insight of the day: my life revolves around making sure this guy doesn't pee all over the house. How's that for a life accomplishment?

So I spent my newfound motivation playing a 20-year-old video game for a week because I hate TV and reading is hard when the pages keep getting covered in drool from the muscle relaxants... On the plus side, I realized the game wasn't as terrifying as it was when I was 23. On the (subtract?) side, it still kicked my ass when it came to the Marlboros.

I feel like it needs to say "Stop hitting yourself" in Nelson Muntz's voice.

So, where does all this leave me? Same place as before, but with a little more insight. Really, I think that's the most we can expect from any type of experiment. And that's just fine.