Gentle, gentle

Sometimes I just want to run away. To chase a place that is silent, that is gentle. Gentle - that word is my mantra in a world of chaos and heartache. We are not gentle with each other. We are not kind with our words. We rush to judgement, to slot someone into a predetermined place in our minds so we can forget them and carry on with no changes.

I don't fit into a slot, I never have. I am a contrast of so many things - half my mother, half my father. Half my brother, half my sister. Oldest, middle and youngest child at the same time. Open-hearted and introverted. Crazy desire to help the world, but would prefer to be left alone. I have never fit a stereotype or trend, and I tell ya, I really wanted to as a young adult. Being different was a giant pain in the ass when all you wanted was a swatch watch and a binder that didn't have logos of my dad's job because he stole them from work for my schooling.

These days, there's tons of quotes out there about 'don't conform' and 'you weren't mean't to fit in, you were meant to stand out'. They were there when I was younger, too.

Yeah, this bullshit.

Know what's terrifying for a kid trying to find her place in the world when her parents have split, her siblings have scattered and who is an anxious, epileptic, rejection-fearing stress-pot? Standing out. My entire life has been about trying to NOT be noticed. I don't like attention. Attention means more people notice you when you fuck up, which I tended to do a lot. I learned to be afraid to try, because if I didn't get it in the first go, it must mean I suck. Rejection is a hell of a slap when you finally work up the courage to get out there and actually fucking try.

Let me get a little medical on you and show you what it's like when your brain is on anxiety.

Your brain on stress.

So, did you get that? Our brains become soaked in dopamine and norepinepherine (that's a type of adrenaline, for you folks that might not know that), which shuts down our thinking brain.

To put it a little clearer, here:

My brain on stress.

Now, you're all going to go on about 'we shouldn't give out participation awards' blah blah blah, and I agree. But I'm starting to realize how traumatized I've been by the world simply by trying to live in it and conform to its standards. I am striking, but not conventionally beautiful. I am smart, but not genius. I am funny, but not hilarious. If I try to stand out, it's just about how mediocre I am... who wants to draw attention to that?

When did we become so quick to push away others? When did we start rejecting anything different? I'm sure it was ages ago, but society today really seems to amplify it. Everything is about division, about us vs. them. Seems to me everyone is just looking for something to stand up for, but there's so much wrong that we can't get a handle on one thing. Our identities are becoming lists, like Pro-Choice-Liberal-Eco-Friendly-Vegan Joe, vs. Pro-Life-Conservative-Humvee-driving Mike. We focus on our differences rather than our similarities, when one difference can separate us forever. Joe and Mike might both be hiking enthusiasts. They might both be Catholics. They might both be accountants, or enjoy beer, or be basketball fans. But they'll never know because of their differences.

I'm learning to find people who don't expect anything of me. There is a certain freedom that comes from simply enjoying someone when the occasion arises. I'm sort of still reveling in it, while trying to take a moment to assimilate what's going on with me before the next shiny thing catches my attention and I'm back to my knee-jerk reactions of obsession and then apathy. I used to be all about the black or white, yes or no, up or down. Clear delineation helps stem the slowly seeping grey area that most mistakes are made in. But when you yourself are grey, how can you ever come to terms with yourself?

And not this grey bullshit. If this is what you're thinking, stop reading. Ever.

I think we were meant to embrace our differences, not that they are superior, simply different. Then we can learn to find ways to incorporate that difference into a relationship by embracing others' similarities. Complementary relationships are really rare these days, but they are truly beautiful.

And that's all I have to say about that. Instead, I'll leave you with this: