The Importance of Finishing Your Plate... and Silence

Lately I've been overwhelmed. This happens on occasion, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. I see it as a signal that I need to slow down, to deal with the crap currently on my plate rather than heading for seconds, or a different meal altogether. Unfortunately, at this point, I'm not wanting to deal with the yam of chores, the beets of self-reflection or the asparagus of premaking meals... I want to sit with the bubble gum of crappy romance novels, the eclair of Sims 3 and the cheesecake of binge-watching Castle... great, I forgot where I was going with this, and now I'm hungry.

Seeing your neuroses in your food is normal, right?

Let me explain a little further. In December I went to see a wonderful woman who is an Ayurvedic Wellness Counsellor. She had many great ideas, ones that I wholeheartedly want to incorporate into my life. Unfortunately, I also whole-assedly want to sleep until the last possible moment, eat bread and drink copious amounts of black tea with cream and sugar. Please note the difference in schedules:

Goal
5:45am	Wake up, do gassho and gratitude blessings.
5:50am	Take fenugreek seeds, shot of apple cider vinegar (don't inhale), make green tea, eat steel cut oats, wake up more.
6:15am	Get dressed, feed ravenous horde (cats)
6:40am	Go to work, drink tulsi tea throughout day, and water.
5:00pm	Get home, take out dogs to pee, do some chores, make lunch for next day.
5:30pm	Have dinner (finish by 6pm).
6:00pm	Work on business, muck about on FB, take out dogs again.
7:00pm	Turn electronics off. Meditate. Do small yoga for pancreas.
8:00pm	Read, listen to music.
8:45pm	Soak feet, then massage.
9:30pm	Go to bed.
Reality
5:45am	Doesn't even register.
5:50am	Steve (husband) shakes me to turn off alarm. I pull my arm from the cocoon and haphazardly slap around until it shuts up. Haha! Victory!
6:15am	Really? Wasn't it 5:45 like 2 seconds ago? Where's Stev...zzzzz
6:45am	CRAP I MISSED THE BUS
6:59am	Take fenugreek seeds with shot of apple cider vinegar. Forgot to not inhale, head explodes. Put head back on.
7:00am	Grab bus to work, with toothpaste stains on shirt and makeup smears. Forgot to brush hair and smell like mint and sour apple. Super.
8:00am	Arrive late, grab muffin and Tim's steeped tea (hello Dark Mother).
12:00pm	Buy lunch, as forgot to make at home last night.
5:00pm	Get home, take first dog out to pee.
5:02pm	Take second dog out to pee.
5:07pm	Take first dog out to pee again, as he needs to see what the second one did.
5:10pm	Dog heard noise outside, is going to asplode if doesn't check it out.
5:12pm	Tell dog to shut the fuck up, I’m not taking him out again.
5:15pm	Screw it, I'll do the dishes tomorrow.
6:00pm	Crap, forgot to eat dinner. We have pizza right? No? Cereal it is.
6:15pm	Watch TV while eating dinner and dicking around on FB.
7:00pm	Alarm goes off to meditate. Hit snooze for 10 mins.
7:10pm	OK, after this episode.
7:45pm	At least do the pancreas yoga pose.
7:46pm	Fuck that, that hurts!! Make mental note to make physical note to get thicker yoga mat. Again.
7:47pm	I'll meditate, that'll help.
8:00pm	Finally pick meditation music, get dogs settled, try to meditate.
8:05pm	Have to pee. Dammit.
8:15pm	Fuck it, can't concentrate.
8:16pm	Take dogs out to pee.
8:17pm	Go pee.
8:30pm	Take dogs out to pee.
8:40pm	Damn, I'm hungry.
8:45pm	Make foot bath with lavender and rosemary EOs. Dammit, out of lavender. Dammit, where'd my rosemary go?
8:50pm	Make cats stop drinking my foot bath. Turn on bubbles, laugh hysterically as they hit the ceiling. TOTALLY worth the mess.
9:10pm	Massage shins, calves and feet with oil. Try not to get the dog covered as he rolls around knocking over bottles of $28 essential oils.
9:30pm	Take dogs out to pee.
9:45pm	Shit, forgot to make lunch. Meh, I'll buy it tomorrow. I'll just finish this episode.
10:00pm	Don't even look at clock, watch another Castle episode.
11:00pm	One more episode won't kill me right?
12:00pm	*yawn* why am I so tired? Motherfucker! I'm gonna be tired tomorrow.
12:01am	Take dogs out to pee.

I keep trying to tell myself that there is valor in trying, that there is honour in the effort. Yeah, that's it. But in my mind I'm still telling myself that I'm not trying hard enough. The ennui I've been immersed in is drowning me - I'm having a hard time making myself care in the moment, to find the momentum to pull myself to a higher vibration and get shit done. So I try again. I don't want to do it all at once and doom myself to failure. I do manage to give myself the foot bath, and meditate. I am trying to eat healthier, and shockingly the tulsi tea tastes good to me. I feel like if I can do the 5:45am thing, the rest will be easier to fall into place, but damn, I sure enjoy sleep - it's one of the few times my joints and muscles don't hurt. Plus, it is infinitely harder to get out of bed when you have a horse of a dog curled up beside you, snoring away contentedly.

I think the other thing I need to do is uninstall Sims 3 from my computer. There is something so comforting about building the houses, creating the people and controlling every aspect of their day, though. I can't control my own life, but I can control the life and death and everything in between of these tiny pixels for hours upon hours... mostly because they HAVE to listen to me and I never fuckin' listen to myself. But frankly I think it's become unhealthy.

"Hi, Reality? Yeah, I'd like to cancel my subscription..."

So we have a plan, yes? Starting next week I'll start to get up at 5:45. Right now I'm operating on 3 hours of sleep per night, and I'm so overtired, I'm having hallucinations about things, like finishing a task at work and having lost weight. That CAN'T be good, right? I'll let you know how it goes... depending on what time I get up.

PS: I just reread this... This is what it's like in my brain... no wonder I like to sleep, it's the only time the damn thing shuts up.