Has anyone seen my jacket?

I'm starting to realize I have a strong fear of success. I've looked at all my fears over the last few years while doing shadow work, and I don't fear death, loneliness, infirmity or crisis, mostly because I've experienced them, or explored my feelings about them enough to become familiar with them. But I fear rejection, and I fear success. This leads to basically not trying - an apathy that is both comforting and confining, like a cozy strait jacket.

It's white and snug and has a cute belt!

I'm not sure why I have this fear... perhaps because then it begins to feel like competition and that stresses me right the fuck out. I don't want to compete. I don't want to win by creating hardship for others... what is the point of that? And even if you get to the top, you then have to fight to keep it? Fuck that noise, thank you very much. I've got better shit to do, like hug my dog and annoy my husband.

I've got a terrible relationship with stress - I was diagnosed with stress-induced epilepsy at age 9. My sister called me 'Space Jellyfish' and told me it was when the aliens were talking to me... it actually kind of pissed me off that I never remembered what they said.

This was also the picture beside the
word 'gullible' in the dictionary.

Stress makes me want to hide, it makes me avoid family, friends, or situations where someone may focus on me. I prefer to be invisible, an introvert - I actually kind of envy the old time hermits that would live in a 10'x10' cabin in the woods and talk to scat for company. Or a cave... a cave would do. I can share it with my dragons.

As life has a wicked, terrible, ironic and malicious sense of humour, I think my coping skills absolutely fucking suck as well, unless hyperventilating and throwing up is a positive result of facing something you don't want to... I'm pretty sure they aren't, though they're possibly healthier than some people's:

'Spirit guide' takes on a whole new meaning.

I've spent a long time exploring how my past has affected my day-to-day actions and reactions. Growing up in a stressful household made me hyper-vigilant (so, basically in a state of constant tension), made me breathe shallowly to be noticed less, made me have stomach issues and run the threat of an ulcer at age 17, given me horrific blood pressure and a relationship with food that, while delicious, is probably not the comfort I need. 

OK, great, so we now know what the issues are. Now what? That's what people never tell you. You go through this whole process of dissecting yourself, of examining your flaws, your fears, the things that strangle you to keep you in your comfort zone even when you're not trying to leave it. But then that's it... they don't tell you that, once you know all this, you now need to go through an agonizing growth process that hurts like hell and is more steps back than it is forward until eventually you come out the other side and realize that you've changed - so 5 years of struggle, angst and hardship for a 30-second 'huh, guess what' before moving on...  Perhaps I should have considered that before starting the process, but that picture above was also beside the word 'obtuse' in the dictionary... it was a pretty lazy dictionary.

We all search for the elusive 'a-ha' moment. That moment gives us the momentum and motivation to continue to grow despite the pain, but sometimes the pendulum swing isn't high enough and we just kind of end up on our hamster wheel, running hell bent for leather but getting nowhere. At that point we need to find the momentum in ourselves, and this is where I'm at, I think. 

I look back at myself 5 years ago, 10 years ago, and I was a very, VERY different person. I attribute my change to two things: finding people who embrace weirdness as much as I do, and being too exhausted to give a shit what people think anymore. I could get into how finding the people whose demons play well with mine means that I changed enough to attract what was healthier for me, blah blah blah, etc., etc., and so on, but who's got time for that? But we often forget that change is a gradual thing, usually imperceptible to the people experiencing it on a daily basis.

Well, I'm here to tell you you're changing, even without trying. Every decision gives you an insight you didn't have before. Every interaction gives you a perspective you hadn't considered. Everything you witness changes you - you can't be in society and remain the same, because it is an absolute clusterfuck of insanity that will drag you along in it's wake at the slightest opportunity. It will force-feed you reality, in all its horrifying, beautiful, crazy, confusing, magical and chaotic beauty until you gag, and if you don't digest it, you'll just choke and hide (because that was gross, and no one wants to be around you now). So the changes are there. But it's up to you to work with the momentum, pump your legs on the swing of experience, fly high to see the big picture, and make your choices to the best of your ability, consequences be damned.

And if you happen to see my jacket while you're up there, let me know.